Approaching 40

As my birthday is quickly approaching, just a couple weeks away, this coming week I am reminded why I dread turning 40.

I know, it’s just a number. It doesn’t shouldn’t mean anything. But it does. It is a reminder to me of how much I dislike my body and what it cannot do.

Five years ago this week, I had a miscarriage. Since then, my body has been poked, prodded, medicated, tested, operated on, and more, all to no avail. Five years ago this week, we lost the baby we were supposed to have. We should have a 4 year old child. But we don’t.

Everyone has reasons to dislike their body. Before being momentarily pregnant and then losing it in the blink of any eye, I would tell you I didn’t like my body because I wasn’t thin, I didn’t like my butt, legs, whatever. While I STILL dislike those things about my body, it seems so minor compared to not being able to have a baby, to be labeled “infertile” by doctors.

The last several years have been rough. ROUGH in all capital letters. Losing a baby, running two businesses at once, the crash of the economy and all the stress from that, the above mentioned poking and prodding, losing our Sweet Sammi dog, and losing Daddy last year. My body has taken a beating, – physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I do my best to not think about the very real fact that we likely will never have a child. It is an awful thought to think about. Our resources are tapped, we have no alternatives, so I do my best to focus on everything else. Hence, one of the many reasons I am making 2012 MY year. The year to take care of myself. I am determined to make the year that I turn 40 the one to remember by losing the weight I’ve put on the last several years, to do not one but two half-marathons this year, and as many 5Ks as I can. I want to take control back on my body and show it that I am in charge, not  it.

It’s a struggle, it always will be. It’s so easy to not care about what I eat or drink or if I sit on the couch every day and not walk or workout. It’s easy to fall into that trap. My body can’t do what I want it to do, why should I be good to it? But that won’t get me anywhere, except depressed.

I am changing that. And somehow, someway, I will one day learn to accept the other facts. Maybe.

Wrapping up 2011

It’s hard to believe there are only a few days left in 2011. I remember when I was little and being so sad the day after Christmas, just thinking about how long it was until next Christmas. Time seemed to pass so quickly back then. Now, it seems like I blink and a month has passed.

2011 was a good year, despite the sadness that enveloped our family the end of 2010. Much of our family remained close as each month passed without my dad. My dad was a true family man, loved having everyone together. When he was in the hospital, we pulled together even more, leaning on each other for suppport. Stronger bonds were formed out of heartache. We celebrated holidays together as a family, an important tradition my dad would want us to keep up.

Ozzie joined our family in April. When I saw his picture on the Humane Society Facebook page, I had to go and visit him. Hubby and I had been discussing adding a second dog, a brother for Blue. When I met him, I knew we had to have him. Someone else had already placed a hold on him but for whatever reason, she could not take him right away and of course their goal is to place the pets in their forever homes as quickly as they can. After taking hubby back with me, and Blue, to meet him, we brought him home. He was very shy the day we brought him home and we were still a little unsure of how he would get along with Blue. He has fit into our home so wonderfully, it seems impossible now to imagine him not being there. He is such a handsome boy, my sweet Ozzie. He longs to be loved and is happy just being by our side. Ozzie and Blue are quite the perfect pair, just like brothers.

Two of my fabulous aunts visited for a week in the summer. Time with them is always a treasure. There is much laughter, Scrabble-playing, and enjoying our time together.

 Hubby and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in October. It doesn’t seem possible that we have already been married for 10 years and together for 12. We had a wonderful anniversary dinner. I am so lucky to have my wonderful hubby who loves me so. I love him so very much.

In November, we had our fun trip to California. It was a great time, even with the flying part which I do not like. I fly so rarely that I am just not a good flyer. I hate taking off, literally have to close my eyes and not think about it. It’s silly, but it’s how it is.

And now Christmas has yet again come and gone, and we are looking ahead to 2012. This Sunday we are having a New Years Day family dinner at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. It will be another great family day. I enjoy time spent together, catching up, and time with Autumn and her little laugh that is so contagious. Family, food, and fun – my kind of day.

Where has the time gone?

I am embarrassed at the time that has past since my last post, which was on October 23rd. I got crazy busy with work and everything else took a backseat. EVERYTHING. Working out, eating right, and trying to keep myself at the top of my never-ending list of things to do.

With 2011 coming to an end, I have realized that I have to make myself a priority, regardless of anything else that is happening.

My last post was about Jenna’s last training walk for the 3-Day. She did a fabulous job walking 60 miles over 3 days, camping out in the cold and wind. I saw her off at the opening ceremony, cheered her on on day 2 at one of the many cheering stations, and congratulated her at closing ceremony. I was, and am still, so proud of her for what she accomplished. I am also thankful to her for including me in her training as I met some amazing women. We have all gotten together once since the 3-Day for a short 5-mile walk and breakfast. I hope, hope, hope that we can all get together again soon after the holidays.


In November, my hubby and I went to California with my mom for Thanksgiving. My mom had not been out there in 17 years. My last time out was about 13 years ago. It was a FANTASTIC trip, full of catching up with family we had not seen in years and visiting places from our past. I was born  there and while I had been back several times over the years, this was my first time back in a long time with my mom and to see her enjoy her time there so much was great. I am so glad hubby got to meet more of my family (we have a huge family!) and see where I was born. We also visited one of hubby’s cousins who he had not seen in close to 20 years and who I had never met. It was also a bittersweet trip, visiting my grandfather’s grave. My dad never got back to see visit his grave since he passed and we took some of my dad’s ashes out there to reunite them. It seemed very fitting and there was a sense of closure, knowing how close they were and how they are together again.

December 4th brought us to the one-year mark of my dad’s passing. This year was a total blur, mostly because I was numb for most of it. I’m still not sure how it passed so quickly. I have a year’s worth of sunset pictures from Crystal Beach where we spend the 4th of every month. It is a tradition my mom and I have kept to this whole year and I plan to continue it. Every thought, feeling, and emotion of the time my dad spent in the hospital, and then his passing is still very fresh in my mind. I think of him every single day and treasure the endless memories we made over the years. I had a very special tattoo done on the 4th, designed by Jenna. Daddy will always be with me and looking over my shoulder now. I am so glad I had it done. That same day, we all got together at Crystal Beach for yet another beautiful sunset in his memory and then dinner at one of his favorite restaurants.

Christmas Day was celebrated at our house after hubby and Mommy and I went to put flowers at the cemetery for Daddy. My mom made her fabulous turkey dinner (thank you Mommy!!). Nick, Jenna, and Autumn came over. Autumn’s laughter filled the house most of the day, there is nothing like it. They also brought their pup Scarlett, who played endlessly with Blue. Ozzie was content just being around everyone. Jenni, Nile, Nathan, and Cheryl came over, as well as Larry, Vicki, and Mary Ann. It was so nice to have a house full of family on such a special day. We are thankful to have a home to invite everyone to, and thankful that everyone joined us and had a grand time.

I am anxious to get back into a routine, the routine that is necessary for me to be the best person I can be. I have got to get back into healthier habits and it is my goal to do just that. The new year brings with it a new start. I AM READY!

Reflection

I wrote this on Monday, not sure if I wanted to post it… But I decided that is what my blog is for. So, here goes…. My heart and soul are here for all to see in this one.

I did something on Sunday I had not done in many months. I drove by the hospital. I’m not sure what possessed me to do so as normally I avoid driving past it. When I finished my walk Sunday morning over the causeway, I headed home. This time, I turned onto the street that would take me past the hospital. Not only did I take the street that would take me past the hospital, but I turned ONTO the street the hospital is on. What was I thinking?

I pulled into the parking lot and sat for a few minutes. The parking lot that I pulled in and out of two, three times a day for 30 days when my dad was there. It seemed the same, but different.

As far as the building itself goes, it’s a nice building that faces the gulf, with Clearwater Beach and Sand Key in the distance. It’s a pretty view. But the building itself holds so many feelings and emotions. Walking in there when he first went to the emergency room due to his stomach pain, hoping and praying that whatever it was, was not serious and he would go home soon. Leaving the same day knowing he was being admitted and likely would have to have surgery. The day of the surgery when there was concern that afterwards, he would have to go into ICU due to his age and condition. The elation of his surgery going well and knowing he did not have to go to ICU, but rather a regular room for his recovery. Within 36 hours, the tone began to change and walking into that building took on a stronger, heavier meaning each time, as he was in the critical care unit for days until he finally started to recover. On Friday, Nov. 19, my mom and I took him home. I drove past the parking lot where him and I sat, his first time out in the sun in two weeks. He still was not 100% better but to see him up out of that hospital bed and in his wheelchair and outside was wonderful. He just needed to go home and finish his recovery.

The trip back to the hospital the next night would again change everything. Running into the emergency room, knowing he was being rushed there by ambulance, after possibly having a stroke. How could this be? He went home just the day before, all of his doctors agreed he needed to be home. For the next two weeks, I would come and go every single day, spending 12+ hours in this building. As much time as I could, I was in his room in ICU, the rest of the time I was in the waiting room. Our family took the waiting room over and the hospital never said a word.

This is the hospital that our doctors send us to for routine tests as needed. I’ve had surgery at this hospital myself. My hubby has been to that emergency room twice himself. All the times we had been there, we left well. The day my dad passed away, I walked out of there seeing it as a totally different building, one that I likely would have a hard time ever going into again.

It’s a very strange feeling to leave someone at a hospital. To say goodbye to a loved one, to my Daddy, and walk out of the building knowing he is still in there. Of course I know now that he left there with us and is with us everywhere we go. But I still remember that day very well, it is all very vivid in my mind and likely will be for a very long time. Just being in the parking lot again, I felt a wide range of emotions. Mostly sadness, pain, hopelessness – all thoughts of missing him and knowing I will never see him again. But I also felt a tiny bit of relief. I certainly was not relieved that he had passed away. No… My relief was in looking back on those 4 weeks in the hospital, mostly the last 2 weeks when he was in ICU, and that he did not have to go through that anymore.  All the tests, procedures, dialysis, and so on that he endured, most likely without even knowing it.  Being on the ventilator, having a feeding tube…. All the things that had we ever had a conversation about it, I know he would now have wanted. The big question then was to do a tracheotomy or not. I struggled with that a lot in those days, as we all did, knowing in my heart that he would not want that, but struggling with the thought of having him for one more day. I am glad, now, that we did not do it. It would have been one more thing for him to go through needlessly.

What happened in that room that day we said goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, but it was also an amazing day. My dad was surrounded by people who loved him and we all had the courage to hold his hand and say goodbye and watch him leave. He always knew he had us with him and I hope and pray that he knew we were right there with him that day, at that moment.

Will I drive by the hospital again? Probably so. At some point it’s likely I’ll have to go inside should the medical need arise. I’ll face that when the time comes. It’s still very surreal and I still have moments where I can’t believe that he’s not here. Tomorrow, the 4^th, will be 8 months. 8 MONTHS. I know where I’ll be… Watching the sunset at Crystal Beach in his memory. We love and miss you every day, Daddy….

Running through the tears…

I had a good walk/run today despite the unbelievable humidity. But in typical fashion, the run part of my efforts turned into me into a blubbering, teary-eyed mess. I am not sure why, but it’s more common than not for me to cry when I run. I am not a pretty runner or even a good runner, but it’s certainly not physical pain prompting my tears.

Between the endorphins that are kicking and just the release I feel in being outside and taking time for myself, I start really thinking about my dad, and on come the tears.

I miss my dad and wish so much that I could talk to him and see him and hug him. I think of him many times, every day, but I am so busy that those thoughts and memories, sadly, tend to get pushed aside in the craziness of my day. But when I am running and I have the miracle of an off-switch for the work stress and more that floods my mind daily, the thoughts of my dad fill my heart and mind.

I am okay with the tears and the thoughts I have of him durning my run. But it sure makes it tricky to see some times. By the time I am done, I am totally d-o-n-e. Worn out and exhausted. I have always said that walking is my therapy and good for my mental health, and for the depression tendencies I naturally have. I believe that even more after I’ve had a good cry, running through the park. I need that time that I take for myself, tears, thoughts of my dad, and all.

Seven months today…

Today is 7 months since my dad passed away, specifically at 1:53pm. I cannot believe more than half a year has passed since the saddest day of my life. I miss him terribly, not a day goes by without thinking about him.

I am so thankful to have had the relationship I had with him. I know there are many who are not so lucky. I saw my dad at lest 5 days a week, if not more. We were always close. He was stubborn and often drove me batty but I loved him so very much. I had 38 years and 10 months with him, all of which went by much too quickly.

I think very often of the 4 weeks he spent in the hospital. I have never been on such an emotional rollercoaster as I was then. I spent every minute I could at the hospital. Somehow I kept the business going with as little time from me as possible and I am thankful that my hubby understood that I needed to be there every minute possible. Even in those last 2 weeks when he was not with us most of the time, I still had to be there to sit by his bedside, hold his hand, rub his shoulder, waiting and wondering what would happen.

Of his 4 weeks in the hospital, he was home for one day and there was one day I did not make it up to see him. It was the day before he went home for one day, his first stay. He was feeling much better that day and they predicted he would go home the next day. I used that day to get caught up on work and even worked late. I spoke to my mom a couple times throughout the day to check on him. I remember very well one of the later phone calls when he told her to tell me that he missed me and he loved me. The one day I could not make it up there and I felt SO guilty… But I know he understood why I could not be.

As hard as those final days were, I am thankful to have had them. He was surrounded by family, even as far as California and New Jersey. I have never shed so many tears in my life as I did those last days. And while I know that we made the right decision, it is still the hardest decision ever made. It is not fun to play God and decide when it is the right time for someone to die. And while we, unfortunately, never had the important conversations that we should have that may have made it all a little easier (although easier is not the right word), I think we all knew in our hearts that he never would have wanted to be in that hospital bed with all those tubes and machines keeping him alive. When he pulled his feeding tube out on what would be his last night, he was making it very clear what he wanted.

I miss you every single day, Daddy. I put on a brave face and go through the each day as I should and as I need to. But you are in my my thoughts and in my heart every single minute. Like I said to you in your last moments…. You were the best father ever and I will miss you forever.

I love you, Daddy.

Bad blogger…

I am a bad blogger. I have not blogged in over a week. I have been busy and not feeling well, but I should have had time to blog. Looks like I have some catching up to do on this one.

• A week ago Friday, I had a gain at WW. I do not like the weeks that I gain. I know they are bound to happen, but I would be a happier girl if they did not.
• A week ago Saturday, I walked a 6-mile training walk with my fabulous sister-in-law Jenna. She is doing the Tampa Bay 3-Day For The Cure Walk this fall. You can find her blog here. While you are here, will you consider making a donation? She is so close to reaching the amount needed to walk.
• A week ago Sunday was Father’s Day, our first without my dad. We started the morning at the Bay Pines VA National Cemetery in St. Petersburg to place flowers and a balloon. I, of course, cried like a baby. This year of firsts is proving to be as hard as I expected. I cannot express in words how much I miss him. That same day we went out to dinner for my hubby’s birthday and Father’s Day. Hubby chose to go to one of my dad’s favorite restaurants and then to Crystal Beach for another beautiful sunset in honor of my dad. They just get more and more beautiful.

Flowers and a balloon for Daddy…

So pretty and serene at Bay Pines VA National Cemetery

Another beautiful sunset at Crystal Beach

• This was a hard week for work. We had a big project to do and everything had to happen just right to get it done. Amazingly enough, it all worked out. Probably I stressed more than necessary but how do I know that my stress didn’t help get it done? I will never know.
• I started feeling sick on Wednesday (about a week and a half after my hubby and sister-in-law had been sick). I felt like I had been run over and I had a fever. I never have a fever. I was cold and exhausted. After going out to dinner with hubby for his birthday, I made myself comfy on the couch with a dose of Nyquil. I stayed home Thursday with a fever all day. Not fun.
• Despite knowing better, I worked most of Friday. I went in around 10:30 and got home at 4:30. I had to get things done so that I could enjoy my weekend and not stress over getting it all done on Monday. I was exhausted when I got home and was feeling run down again.
• I did not walk at all this week – not since last Sunday. I HATE that I have not walked and had I known on Monday and Tuesday that I would have been sick Wednesday, I would have made time to do it. I really wish my darn crystal ball would work.
• For the first time since going back to WW, I missed yesterday’s meeting to avoid getting people sick. I am sure the scale would not have been kind to me but I still missed the meeting, the support, and the chit chat. Next week!!
• Today was supposed to be our monthly crop but I cancelled it since I’ve been sick. I still think this bug is hanging on, so best to not get others sick, but I’m bummed to not have the girl time. I will do some digi-scrapping today on my own. My hubby did make my morning, though, by getting me Starbucks. The key to this girls’ heart is caffeine.

That’s it in a nutshell. I am happy to have alot of downtime this weekend to sleep, read, watch movies, and more.

I miss you Daddy…

Today is 6 months since losing my dad. The ups and downs I have had in those 6 months have been like a roller coaster. It is still so surreal to me that he is gone. He was such a huge part of our lives, the center of our family, to not have him here anymore leaves a hole in my heart. I miss him so much.

He always did everything he could to support his family, never taking no for an answer, and always determined to do the best he could despite his limitations. He did more from his wheelchair than most people will ever do walking. To say he was an inspiration is an understatement.

People tell me I will never get over losing him, that I will just get used to him not being here. I don’t know about that… How do you get used to not seeing someone you saw just about every single day?

His hospital stay is still very fresh in my mind. A total of 4 weeks in the hospital, his last two weeks being the hardest as he would come and go and there were so many unanswered questions and decisions that had to be made for him. It was hard making them but we all know we made the right decisions. Despite that, his last few hours were the hardest thing I have ever gone through and watching him leave us will always be a bittersweet memory. Saying goodbye seemed impossible to do but I feel blessed to have been there with him and my family. Daddy always relied on all of us to be there with him and for him – and that’s exactly where we were right up till the end.

Missing you today and every day Daddy…. I love you.

Bittersweet weekend

This weekend has been a busy one… My baby sister turned 21 yesterday. We had a roller skating party, which I think was a FABULOUS idea!! Oh my goodness, it was so much fun. It was so neat to get on skates after at least 25 years and skate like I never stopped. We were there for about 3 hours and I probably skated for a solid two hours of that, if not a little more. So much fun.

Afterwards we all went to Chili’s for her birthday dinner and drinks. There was food and drinks and laughter and silliness all around. When they brought the cake out and Jenni blew out the candles, her excitement over turning 21 faded and she cried. Jenni and my dad always celebrated their birthdays together since they were just 2 days apart. After dinner, some of us went to the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Tampa and had more fun. Jenni had the most fun of all, you can only imagine, I’m sure… The night ended very late!

Today we went to the Bay Pines VA Cemetery as a family to celebrate my dad’s birthday, a day early so we could go together. It was tough. It’s an odd feeling to wish someone a Happy Birthday and not be able to hug them or have a conversation with them. To have always celebrated birthdays together makes it very surreal to all of a sudden not. It is the first birthday since his passing. The 4th day of the 4th month of the year, which is 4 months since his passing.

It was so nice to be there with Mike, Mommy, Nick, Jenna, Autumn, Jenni, and Nile - together to honor my dad. There were tears and there was laughter. One thing I’ve learned since losing my dad is that my emotions can be extreme and can change quickly. Overwhelming doesn’t quite explain it.

So it was a bittersweet weekend, indeed. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. But I am glad we spent the weekend together. There is power in togetherness and being a family.

Chapter 1…

I’m going to write a book. It will be a labor of love. It will be about my dad.

He told me he wanted to write a book about his life, that someone out there might be interested in it. I excitedly offered to help him as I have always wanted to write a book and he was so happy, he wanted me to help.

Two days after he asked me to help him write a book, he ended up in ICU. I kept telling him he needed to get better, we had a book to write. The day we said goodbye to him, I told him I was going to write his book. And I will.

His life story is an amazing one. In a wheelchair for almost 56 years, married for 43 years, father of 4, grandfather to 3. He was an inspiration to anyone who met him and I have almost 39 years of memories made with him. I will write about how hard he worked to support his family, how he never gave up, and would never take no for an answer. I will write about the many places he lived, and the stories he passed on to me. I will also write about how my mom dedicated her life to him and was a huge part of him living so long and getting so far in life. I will write it with a heart full of love and it will be dedicated to my dad.