Confusion

I am confused. If you were to ask my hubby, he would tell you this is nothing new. And he’s right. I think-and-overthink things constantly and confuse myself even more. I don’t know why I do it, but it’s part of who I am. You should be so glad you are not me.

What am I confused about, you ask? It’s simple really. I don’t know if I want to stay on Weight Watchers. It’s many reasons, not just one. I guess the best thing to do is make a list of whys and why-nots.

Why I want to stay on WW…

• I need the accountability.
• I enjoy the WW philosophy and the resources they offer.
• I like the structure it gives me.
• I like the celebration of it when it is working.
• I like, no LOVE, the idea of making Lifetime again.

Why I don’t want to stay on WW…

• It’s not cheap. Whether I pay weekly or save money with the monthly pass, it’s still an expense that I have a hard time justifying these days.
• I don’t like the structure it gives me. Ha! How can I both like and not like this??
• It can be hard to get to the meetings. When I don’t go, I feel guilty.
• I want to be able to eat what I want and not think about how many points it is.
• Tracking can be a chore sometimes.

See? I’m confused. I like the structure it gives me because I know how I am and I need that. But I don’t like the structure it gives me because I want to enjoy foods without having to calculate it first. And I’m not talking about junk food and food that’s bad for me. I’m just talking about food in general.

On several of the blogs I follow, the bloggers do not specifically diet or follow a  certain food plan. Now, I will say that I do not consider WW to be a diet, because you can eat whatever you want if you plan accordingly. It is a way of life. That’s not the issue. My problem is I’m 40 years old and for probably 20 of those 40 years, I’ve either been on a diet or some sort of food plan to lose weight. Frankly, I’m tired of thinking about it. Does that mean I can eat anything and everything? By all means, NO. The way I am made and how I think and my emotional eating habits, I know I have to be very mindful of what I’m eating. But you know what? Life is too short to always be thinking about what foods I shouldn’t eat. Seriously. 

In what I would consider to be a perfect little food world for myself, I would focus on eating the things that I know are good for me, and that I love for most of the time. Fish, fruits, veggies, and more. It’s no secret that I love to try new things and to cook delicious meals. Why do I have to go and ruin it by tracking the points and weighing in once a week? But do I have the will power to do it on my own? I haven’t before and that is what scares me.

I haven’t been to WW in 3 weeks now. Life has gotten in the way. All I have are excuses. But this has prompted me to think about this. When I don’t go to WW, I feel guilty. Why do I do that to myself? I hate putting myself in a position to where I feel guilty for not doing something. Like I don’t already have enough to worry about. (See? You should be SO glad you are not me….)

I’m being a little dramatic here, because I really do love WW. I could even change my mind in a few weeks and go running back to WW with my head down, ready to confess all my eating sins. But that’s what this is all about, right? Finding what works for each one of us. Maybe I can’t be that person who is just mindful about what they eat. Or maybe I can be. How will I ever know if I don’t try?

Dear Weight Watchers…

Dear Weight Watchers,

Once again you have proven to me how the program DOES work. After going back to your meeting last week and committing myself to making it work, I jumped back in with both feet, making smart decisions whether I was eating at home or out, testing my willpower in some instances (i.e., no chips and salsa at Chili’s!), and making new recipes that I have enjoyed all week long. I never once felt deprived or hungry or like I was missing out on something, even when choosing not to have the evil delicious chips and salsa at Chili’s. To me, the points weren’t worth it. I stuck to my points, walked a total of 24 miles since last Thursday, drank a lot of water, and took my vitamins.

Needless to say, I had high hopes when I went to the meeting this morning and got on the scale. Since last night I was thinking “oh no, what if despite all my hard work this week I didn’t lose anything?” You never know with my body anymore. But, I was proven very wrong and I was very happy when I stepped on the scale and saw a 4 pound loss. GO ME!!!!

I walked out of there feeling very empowered, happy to have some sort of control over my body again after it has had a mind of it’s own the last several months. I have a long road ahead of me and a lot of hard work to get it back to where I want to be, my “happy weight”. But seeing that loss this morning tells me I CAN DO IT. My hard work will not go unnoticed.

It’s only a matter of time that I will be more comfortable in my clothes and feel better in my skin. Thank you for once again showing me that I can eat healthy and enjoy it and that I don’t need all that bad stuff that does nothing for me except stick to my hips.

Love,
Me

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Today’s post will focus on the good, the bad, and the ugly of the last few days, in no particular order.

The good…. I walked this morning, at the park. I ignored the rain clouds looming over head and headed out. I walked, didn’t run. I didn’t set my tracker for a 5K, I just set it to basic and off I went. I walked for 1 hour and 24 seconds, 3.57 miles. I walked just to walk – not to beat my previous times, not to break any records. I just walked. And it was great. Rain and all. I don’t know why I couldn’t get my butt out there these last couple of weeks when it becomes so apparent how much I enjoy it the minute I start walking.
(note to self: come back often and read this post to remind yourself how important walking is no matter what kind of funk you are in.)

The bad… I gained 2 pounds this week. Honestly, I expected it especially after missing the meeting the week prior. The meetings are great for getting me on the right foot for the new week. If I lose, it keeps me motivated to continue doing what I’m doing. If I gain, it motivates me to work harder. So, I will own these 2 pounds that are now along for the ride on my butt or hips or wherever else they decided to attach themselves.

The ugly… With the 2pounds I have gained, it puts me at a total loss of only 6.6 pounds in the whole time I’ve been back at WW. The highest my loss has been was 12.2 pounds so I have gained half of that back. This is pretty disheartening but I have to remember that it’s just not easy to lose weight and life just gets in the way. The first time I did WW, it wasn’t “easy” but it was “easier” than this time. But my body is different this time, it’s been through the ringer, poked, prodded, and more. Not to mention I’m 5 years older now. It’s just not easy. But I’m not going to give up.

The good… I am not going to let this weight loss battle beat me. I am going to keep at it, do the best I can, and know that I am doing exactly that. It may not be easy, but it will not beat me.

The bad… After re-commiting myself to tracking again on Wednesday, I fell off the wagon yesterday and didn’t track a single bit. So, I am starting over again today to try for my #7daychip. I know I can do this. I’ll pick myself back up and start again. Today is day 1.

The ugly… I overate in a big way at dinner last night. Nobody’s fault but mine. I did it and I own it. Time to move on.

The good… On Wednesday, I committed to not having Starbucks until the weekend. I successfully met that challenge and rewarded myself with one this morning. It was super yummy and I enjoyed it. I tracked it, and all is right in the world.

The good… When I went to WW yesterday, Lorraine (our fearless leader) was so happy to see me and greeted me with a hug. She said she  had been worried about me all week. That made me feel good. It’s people like her who keep those meetings going and keep us coming back. She has been in the same place we have, fought the same battles, and is there to offer her support in any way she can. Thank you Lorraine.

The good… After the WW meeting, I had a great talk with Tammy, a WW friend. We chat at each meeting, and on Facebook. We both enjoy walking, and seem to have the same struggles with time, with our bodies cooperating, and just trying to get that scale to go down. She told me she was worried about me, that I was looking a little defeated and to not give up. Our talk reminded me that it is really good to get back to basics and just keep plugging along, doing the best we can. Thank you Tammy, you’re a doll.

I might have to make this a regular post… It’s a good way to get things off my chest, things I need to face and deal with. That’s the whole point of my blog. I already have tomorrow’s post in mine, so stay tuned!

These trusty feet of mine…

At the beginning of the March, I set a goal to walk 100 miles. I hit my 100 miles today, the 30th day of the month. I walked 28 of the 30 days. 26 of those days were outside, 2 were on the treadmill because I wasn’t going to let some silly weather get in the way of my goal.

I love setting goals for myself and achieving them. If only all goals were as easy to attain as this one. Yes, it took 30 days to reach it, and a lot of effort and sweat and tired legs. But every minute, every step, and every drop of sweat was worth it. I did it for me. And the best part, I had total control over it and made it happen.

Remember that will power I was searching for weeks ago, just before joining WW again? This is that will power I spoke of. That focus I needed to keep on track and take care of myself.

Oh how I love these trusty feet of mine… I know they will take me farther and farther down this road.