Has anyone seen my willpower?

I can’t seem to find it… Seriously, I’ve looked everywhere and it is nowhere to be found. Every morning I wake up with good intentions of eating better that day. Once I fail to do so, I figure the day is a bust, may as well not worry about it. Tomorrow is another day. I go to bed thinking that tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow never seems to come.

Five years ago I lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. I rocked it, totally stuck to the plan, swore by it, and it worked. Went to a meeting every Saturday and constantly saw the scale going down. I was never hungry. I changed my eating habits and made better choices. Eating better motivated me to work out. I worked out twice a day for a couple months of my weight loss journey. I became a runner and did TaeBo like there was no tomorrow. I even continued to lose weight while we had our Italian restaurant and had all that wonderful food at my fingertips. Where in the world did I get that will power??

I think about how great it felt to feel good in my skin, to love shopping for clothes. I kept the weight off, for the most part, for almost two years. What happened to that will power??

Oh yes, I know…. We’ve battled infertility for over four years now… Tests, medications, poking and prodding, the heartbreaking depression it causes… Yea, that didn’t help things any. Add to that the stress of being self-employed and dealing with all that comes with that in these trying economic times. And of course most recently, the loss of my daddy. No matter what I have faced in the past four years,  my friend FOOD has always been here. I am an emotional eater, that is for sure. The second I get stressed, I know there is a salty snack waiting for me, or a heavenly sweet chocolate treat. Not to mention a beer or two, or a glass of wine or two.

Something has to give… Something has to change. I haven’t been on a scale in probably 8 months now…. Probably the longest I have ever gone without weighing myself. I am TERRIFIED of what the scale will say. Thankfully we don’t even have one here.

Twelve years ago I was at my heaviest of 173. I saw a picture of myself and wanted to cry. I made huge changes and over the course of a year I lost 40 pounds by following a strict low-carb diet. I will never do that again. No carbs for Nanci makes for an unhappy girl. I’m Italian, carbs are a necessity. In fact, if you tell me I can’t have any type of food, I’m not happy. That is what was so great about Weight Watchers – I could literally have anything I wanted as long as I budgeted my points.

When I met Mike I was 133 pounds and felt great. We fell in love, got comfy with each other, got married, and the weight went back on. In early 2006 I was 157 pounds and decided I had to do something for complete fear of getting back up to 173. So I joined WW and lost 30 pounds, getting down to 127. Anywhere between 127 and 130 is my happy weight, where I am my most comfortable. The last time I was on a scale about 8 months ago, I was 159. Every single pound I worked so hard to lose on WW came back, and brought a few friends. It’s like my mom says… The problem with losing weight is that is ends up finding me again.

So why don’t I just join WW again? Well, for one, it’s an expense that is not quite in the budget right now. But I know how to do it, what to follow, every little trick to make the most of it. So why don’t I do it on my own? I need the accountability of weighing in once a week. Knowing I have to get on a scale once a week sure does make me think twice about that Hershey bar I want to eat. Maybe I should get a scale after all…

I have been walking and walking… I love to walk. Walking is a great exercise and it’s free. But it’s not doing me a darn bit of good if I keep stuffing my face. So, I need to do something. This fragile heart and soul of mine can’t take any huge changes so I need to take it a step at a time… My first step will be to cut the soda out. I used to have one, maybe two, sodas a week – usually on the weekend. The past several months, it has become a daily thing again. Cutting soda out is my first step. And I will get my water intake back to where it was. I am even setting reminders on my phone to tell me to DRINK WATER!!!

If you so desire, you can follow my quest to once again, lose weight. I have to, I need to. For me.

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About thiscrazylifeofmine

I am a 40-year old wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend, and dog-mom. I love running, walking, scrapbooking, reading, TV, Weight Watchers, spending time with the family, and being at home.

Posted on March 8, 2011, in depression, food, infertility, weight, WW. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I pretty much could have written this myself. Over the past 4 years I have put on 20 pounds of what I lost on WW, too. I downloaded an app on my phone (myfitnesspal) and I just started using it yesterday. I'd like to lose 10-12 pounds to be at my happy weight. I usually do ok during the day…it's when I get home with my DH and the boy that I lose all my self control. I need to portion my dinners better and not just eat everything on my plate (I was raised that way, though…no waste) and I really need to stop snacking at night. My DH loves to eat something around 9:00 and he always gets me to go along with him because he doesn't like to snack alone. 🙂 I also need to buy a scale for my house…I've never had one. I wish you nothing but good luck with your project. You are a strong woman, moreso than you give yourself credit for, you can do this!

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